BUFFALO, N.Y. — For some, it's hard to believe that the racist attack at the Jefferson Avenue Tops was one year ago.
For others — especially those who were in the store — that horrific day is forever etched into their minds.
"For us, it's an every day thing. It's a little heavier because it's back in conversation [this week]," said Fragrance Harris Stanfield. "It's always playing in the background. It's triggered by some things. It's there all the time."
She was working at Tops on May 14, 2022. She wasn't shot, but that doesn't mean she didn't experience various levels of trauma, from sleepless nights to anxiety to physical pain.
"My day starts the night before because I don't always sleep well. I have to sleep with music to help me relax enough to sleep. Even with that, some days it's a struggle. You'll just be laying there, waiting for your mind to get it together," Harris Stanfield said.
Her daughter was also working at Tops the day of the shooting.
"She's not at work right now. She's learning how to find a space to heal. I don't think she was really addressing the healing at first. It was more of a coping," said Harris Stanfield, who has also taken some time off of work to work on her healing journey.
Harris Stanfield spends time with her husband, seven children, and two grandchildren, and she turns to music and poetry for comfort and peace. She says the trauma is debilitating.
"[I'm] trying to find some way to acknowledge that I am not the same person. That was the hardest part. That was the hardest part. I still don't know who I am exactly anymore," Harris Stanfield said.
2 On Your Side reporter Heather Ly asked Harris Stanfield what her hope is for her own future, and for those who were there and experienced what she did that day.
"I hope for a difference. Sadly, a word that comes to mind is 'validation.' For me, and I've spoken about this a lot as a survivor of the shooting, I haven't really been considered a survivor. The survivors have been the families of those who died. They're survivors of the deceased. I am a survivor of the shooting. That hasn't been an acceptable description. That hasn't been acknowledged. I shouldn't have to be validated for god's sake, but that's another thing we've been living with," Harris Stanfield said.
"If we want to be better, we have to be different. That's the only way to be better. We can't change what happened, but we should be able to change the conditions that created this situation. What attracted a white supremacist to this community, to this store, to this group of people to traumatize us, to terrorize us? What brought him here? Three hours."
Rose Marie Wysocki, a longtime produce manager, came face to face with the shooter prior to the attack on May 14. He came into the store and asked her, a White woman, why she was working at a Tops in a predominantly Black neighborhood. She just thought he was an ignorant kid.
She barricaded herself in a back room the day of the shooting and was physically unharmed.
"It's been a very big struggle, the past year. Through counseling I realize there's nothing I could have done to change that day. There's nothing I could have done to stop him from what he did," Wysocki said. "We, as a society, need to pay attention to what's being said. Hear somebody say something that seems a little off? Maybe you should make a phone call. Be very vigilant."
Wysocki returned to the Jefferson Avenue Tops location when it reopened in July, but she ended up transferring to a different store.
Reporter Heather Ly said, "You loved that store, that location and loved the people there."
Wysocki replied: "I still do, and I'd still be there if not for my mental health. Too many triggers. Too many triggers. I miss everybody."
She says the company and her managers have been more than understanding.
"I am lucky enough to be with a company that as a whole understands what we are going through. And [who know] that it's not going to stop tomorrow. It might not stop next week. Or five years from now. This is something we have to learn how to live with and learn how to have our new normal," Wysocki said.
She plans to be at a remembrance that will be held on Sunday, May 14, 2023.
"It's still hard to believe it has been a year. It's still hard to process that. I just had counseling today, and we were talking about it. I hate the word anniversary because it's not an anniversary. Anniversaries are something that is happy, something that was happy in your life. This isn't an anniversary. This is a remembrance. This is a time for us to reflect on the 10 beautiful lives that we lost. It's a time to reflect on those who were injured," Wysocki said.